MC Steinberg - “Frankensteinberg” (mp3)

I love Halloween, Steinbergers. Everything about it from the haunting to the safe fun. Some people may not know the history of Halloween. I do not either. I decided to count down my top ten favorite things about Halloween.

THIS IS MY LIST:

THE FRESH PRINCE & DJ JAZZY JEFF’S “A NIGHTMARE ON MY STREET”

There’s no better song to put me in the spookin’ mood! Lyrics like “I brought Angie, Jeff brought Tina, Ready Rock brought some girl I’ve never seen in my life, it was alright ‘cause we went to the theater, set to ill” are total influences on my rhymes.

In case you haven’t heard the song, here’s a breakdown: Fresh Prince (Will Pinkett-Smith) is totally set to ill about seeing A Nightmare on Elm Street (or one of it’s many sequels) at the local movieplecks. After he bangs his girl Angie, he goes home to sleep. He wakes up and his house is at an astronomically hot temperature, making things like alarm clocks melt and whatnot. As he goes downstairs, he notices that the TELEVISION IS ON…and he is home alone. Freddy Krugar attacks him and wants to make some sort of Krugar-Pinkett-Smith monster with Freddy’s brains and Will’s hot body. Will realizes that he is dreaming and tries to act all hot and gets his face cut up. He wakes up and notices rips in his sheets, and calls DJ Jazzy Jeff (Jazz) and warns him, but it’s too late. DJ Jazzy Jeff is never heard from again (except for a few underground DJ releases).

WOLFMEN

They freak me out, but in a good way. Like “whoa duuude, these positive vibes are freaking me out!” (That wasn’t supposed to be a Wolfman Jack reference, but I guess it was.)

Here’s the jive on wolfmen: A wolf bites you, you’re in bad luck, because you’ll turn into a wolf during full moons. This can be a bad thing because you crave human flesh. This can be a good thing if you play high school basketball, because of that movie Twilight. He looked like had game.

CANDY

This sums it up:

(Watch 30 seconds of the video and then return to reading my blog.)

MC STEINBERG’S “FRANKENSTEINBERG”

Now I have a deep secret, and I need to share
And to all my followers, you may get a scare
I might just pull a Diddy, give my fans a big surprise
Tell ‘em I’m not a rapper, but a monster in disguise
I got a long tail like a big old garden hose
I have a pair of hooves underneath my rubber toes
I wear special dentures to cover my fangs
Better watch out, little kiddies, I got hunger pangs

Frankensteinberg, I’m an urban legend, in my urban town
Frankensteinberg, I gobble up little kids when the sun goes down

TRICKY-TREATING

Speaking of “gobbling up” and “little kids”, tricky-treating is fun isn’t it? Sadly, my neighbors are weird about adults tricky-treating alone, and even weirder about letting their kids ring my apartment’s doorbell. Some people really know how to Grinch up this holiday, don’t they?

Still, I have a few safety tips this year for all you little Steinbergers:

1. Candy Apples are delicious, but can easily contain razorblades. Inspect, inspect, inspect.
2. Fluorescent orange isn’t just for people in prison, it can save lives while walking at night.
3. If someone leaves a basket full of candy outside their front door that says “take one piece of candy”, then take only one. If you cannot resist these urges, you have no hope for the future.

GOTHS

You’re normal today! CONGRATS!

I’m the eerie presence when you’re all alone
I’m those creeps and cracks you may hear in your home
Making out with your girl, I’m scratching out your car door
You feel a cold chill walking by the Dolla Store
I’m the most evil rapper in the whole damn game
And although I feast on flesh, one thing is the same
When a guy leaves the club with an arm around your date
Sorry pal – even monsters got to regulate

Frankensteinberg, I wear big chains, and I carry a gat
Frankensteinberg, I got big fangs, and I fly like a bat

COSTUMING

I love wearing costumes. It’s not uncommon for me to lounge about in the bathtub wearing a mask of some sort. Halloween is a time when it’s encouraged by the general public to do so. Still, I usually keep it low-key every October 31, with a festive sweater, and maybe a light-up pin. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent people, I suppose.

ERNEST SCARED STUPID

I love this movie!!!!!! It’s a holiday tradition that I try to keep every year. I missed a few years after my VHS copy was destroyed during a “jumping contest” between me, Bubba & Burt. (I blame Burt.) Thanks to the DVD release though, I can watch this great piece of movie whenever I want.

Hey Vern, everybody’s favorite know-it-all, Ernest P. Worrell, scares up heaps of hilarious laughs in this frightfully funny comedy! The loveable lunkhead is in for a devil of a time when he accidentally unleashes an evil demon from its sacred tomb, causing the awakened foe to go on a devastating rampage. Ernest desperately attempts to prevent the destruction of town, but a 200-year-old curse renders Ernest Scared Stupid! And that’s when the fun and adventure begin! Loaded with uproarious hilarity, and a host of outrageously kooky characters, this big-screen treat delivers off-the-wall nuttiness that’s sure to drive you wild any time of the year!

Honorable mentions: Hocus Pocus, The Witches of Eastwick, How Stella Got Her Groove Back

SPOOKY

My number 2 pick is spooky. I love spooky about Halloween.

Now this Halloween, you better watch yourself
Like Meat Loaf said, I’m a bat outta hell
Grabbin’ the kids with their bags full of candy
Drinkin’ their blood like it’s expensive brandy
Then return to my castle and lay in my casket
Rule a kingdom of darkness, then Angela Bassett
Walks in with the Wolfman, and Dracula, and Eazy-E combined
I’m Frankensteinberg, all up in your mind

Frankensteinberg, shout-out to Bubba and Burt, my posse from Hell
Frankensteinberg, if you like to drink blood, let me hear you yell
Frankensteinberg, eat your heart out, DJ Jazzy Jeff
Frankensteinberg, October 31st — not much time left!!!

Drumroll please… my number one pick for Halloween fun is…

CORN MAZES! (aka Maize Quests!)

I love corn mazes. You might say I’m addicted. Usually, around October 1, I pack a few bagged lunches, grab my windbreaker, and set out to the local farm (about an hour or two away from my apartment), and I’ll navigate the corn maze. I like to just wander around meeting strangers and making friends. The farms have guides that ask you Halloween questions such was when the jack-or-lantern was invented and, of course, I’ll know the right answer, but go the wrong way on purpose. You meet some interesting families, and the occasional bully, when you do this. I highly recommend it.

After about seven or eight trips to the corn maze, I get down to the nitty gritty. It becomes less about wandering around socializing, and more about speed and accuracy. Once the estimated time to navigate the corn maze was three hours, and it only took me 45 minutes! Suck on that!

You may say I’m even a local celebrity for it. People want to meet Steinberg, New Jersey’s Corn Maze Master! (I don’t tell them I’m MC Steinberg, or they’d go berzerk!) News 12 New Jersey even did a special report on me, and had a lot of questions about the history of corn mazes, corn maze tips and about weirdos in the corn mazes.

I love corn mazes, but I love my Steinbergers even more! Thanks everybody for reading my Top 10 list!

MC Steinberg - “Frankensteinberg” (mp3)