Hey Steinbergers!

Isn’t the new year wonderful? It’s a time for fresh starts, and new resolutions for a better life. I figured out some resolutions for myself, and I’d like to share them:

1) Make amends with my enemies.

Tay Zonday, Insane Clown Posse, Courtney B. Vance… I’m done with you. I harbor so much bitterness cargo on the Steinberg wagon that I have to drop some out the back to make it up this Oregon Trail full of life.  2008 is gonna be a beef-free year.

2) Work on my Mom issues.

My friend Bubba has one cool Mom. My Mom on the other hand, isn’t the kind of Mom that makes you soup when you’re sick, or wishes you happy birthday, or hugs you, or recognizes you when you pay her visits at the rehab clinic she attends. In fact, for years, I thought my nickname was “booze” because she always would tell me “I love my booze.” I was wrong. So mabye in 2008, I will be able to have a better relationship with my Mom.

3) Make new friends.

Everybody needs friends. Bubba is a good pal, but I have a feeling that he doesn’t like me at all. And Burt,  he showed his true feelings for me when he stabbed me in the knee. My old friends are kind of moochers. “Steinberg, I helped you make the beats for your album, shouldn’t I get some credit?” Puh-leeze. You just want to shine in my limelight.

I think some new friends are overdue. I’m young and hip, just like Sean Kingston, Justin Long and Michelle Wie. Get those guys on the phone!

4) Make Angela mine.

I think it’s a well-known fact about my obsession with Angela Bassett. 2008 is the year it’s going down. Good guys win in 2008!

5) Finish my album.

My longtime fans know that I’ve been working on my album for the longest time now. I began in 2004, and four years later it remains undone. Bubba says I should call it “Chinese Democracy” because in China, it takes forever to get bills passed. I think.

6) Work things out with my landlord.

To recap, I burned the majority of my apartment earlier this year. I was sitting in the tub playing World War 2 with my collectible historical boat collection, and I fell asleep, letting the bathtub overflow. The bathroom flooded into the other parts of the apartment too, and I woke up to the (plugged-in) blowdryer shooting off sparks! I had to get out of there fast, and thus couldn’t turn the water off, and my bathroom floor caved in, rushing all of the water into my landlady’s apartment! The only part salvaged was the bathtub, where I did all of my eating, sleeping, blogging, and rapping for the majority of the year. Once my landlord found out I was secretly living in my bathtub, even though she kicked me out, I was thrown out into the cold, unforgiving winter weather. I got her to agree to let me come back in, but mabye she’ll help me renovate the remains of my scorched apartment if I butter her up. No pun intended… yet.

7) Become a megastar.

This is the year it’s gonna happen. Steinbergers, I’m takin’ you to the top. We’ll be more powerful than the Kiss Army and the Deadheads combined! Get ready for a WILD RIDE! Stein-style!